Four women die every day at the hands of their abusive partners. The state of Oklahoma ranks tenth nationally in the number of females murdered. Twenty-eight percent of all homicides of women are domestic violence related. Intimate partners murder ninety-one percent of the women killed.
Math is not my best subject but I think the last two statements conflict with each other. I did not make these statistics up. They were part of a display in the Rose State College Cafeteria this last week. It was an effort to raise awareness about domestic violence. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is: 1-800-799-SAFE or (7233). The TDD number is 1-800-787-3224.
More statistics in the display said that domestic violence is the cause of thirty percent of the physical disabilities in women. Every nine seconds a woman is battered. In ninety-five percent of reported domestic assaults, the female is the victim. Only fifty percent of intimate violence incidents are reported to law enforcement. Here again conflicting information was posted because another poster claimed that domestic violence occurs in sixty percent of marriages and that it is the most underreported crime.
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Domestic violence may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, isolation… (Now there is a million dollar word! I wish I could put that in ten foot high letters with flashing lights around it. Maybe someone in the community would be smart enough to make the connection between theory and reality!)
There are many forms of domestic abuse. Domestic violence can include "any form" of coercion to control or hold power over an intimate partner. I would say that it would be any form of coercion to control or hold power over anyone! Often a person who abuses an intimate partner will also abuse any children in the household. We have all heard the horror stories of the parent that murders their own child. There are the stories of extreme forms of punishment like burning the child with cigarettes or locking the child in the closet for hours. Many times this includes sexual abuse. Contrary to popular belief, most gays do not molest children. The statistics indicate that a child is more likely to suffer sexual abuse by a heterosexual family member. That is not to say that all gays are innocent of such behavior but that it is much more likely to be a heterosexual family member who sexually molests a child. I include that from my own research into the matter of abuse in all of it’s forms.
I studied this subject for years until I achieved the personal transformation that I was seeking fifteen years ago. This transformation came about because that is what I wanted and worked to accomplish. It was not because someone else wanted that change for me or because someone "forced" me to change. The change came about because I consciously chose to face my deepest fears to bring about this transformation. I did the counseling, the twelve step programs, and the self-help seminars. Even more important I am an avid reader and an active and eager seeker, a student of life. I am also a very astute observer of human nature. Most important to my own growth process has been my powerful connection to my Higher Power, God, Goddess, Buddha or Great Spirit. As Deepak Chopra says, “it doesn't matter what we call our Higher Power as long as we call."
It was through my spiritual questing that I achieved a complete transformation. A transformation that was so powerful that it felt like an eggshell was cracking open inside my chest. This is another story that I cannot do justice to in a short article so I will save that story for my book. As soon as I felt this sensation of an egg cracking open in my body, I knew instantly that the process of facing my deepest fears had achieved the results that I was seeking. It was a very powerful spiritual experience. When my teacher gave me this assignment, I knew that I wanted to make this personal. Like everyone, I am biased by my personal life experiences. I thought that I would turn this assignment into another chapter on the book that I am writing.
However, as I thought about it, I began to realize that it would take more than one chapter to deal with this subject in my life. I also realize that in order for the entire story to be told in a balanced and honest manner that some very intimate details of my life would need to be revealed. I recognized that it would be a little too intimate for a college class. Therefore, I will wait to deal with this subject fully in my book.
I will say that I have been both the abused and the abuser in my life. Often that role switched back and forth between me and my partner. If most people were honest with themselves, they would probably admit to the same thing. Abuse is not always physical. It is often mental, emotional and even intellectual. After all, if the statistics claim that domestic violence occurs in sixty percent of marriages and that it is the most underreported crime, then I cannot be the only one. I am not saying that to excuse myself. I say that to encourage others to look within and get honest with themselves. That is the only way to change this problem.
I have already written a chapter in my book that told about my experience with moving into a new school district where the children played cooties with my germs. They tormented me until I had an instantaneous transformation that changed me from being the worst player in volleyball to being the best. I was not only the best in volleyball but I also excelled in every sport that I participated in except track. I never was much of a runner. I did however; break the New Mexico shot put record during that time. I mention that story because it was at the root of my reaction to a lover of mine being very physically overly friendly with a "friend" while we were bowling one night. I was mortified that she would act that way and felt very disrespected. I finally told her to stop being so physical. She got in my face and started ridiculing me. I had an automatic, knee jerk reaction. Without thinking, I hit her in the mouth! She had a false tooth that I was not aware of and I hit her hard enough to knock it out! The look in her eyes when I did that, made me realize that I was emulating the very worst of my fathers' behavior. I knew that that was not what I wanted to do in my life. I had a revelation. I had another instantaneous transformation! I would never again hit a lover. That was 1978.
To this day, even when my last lover physically attacked me on three different occasions, I did not fight back. My last relationship was so hard on me that I have not had a relationship since. That was 1991. I knew by the time I got into my last relationship that I was in it to work on myself. She represented my deepest fears. I chose to stay in the relationship and try to understand the dynamics of what was happening and what I was bringing to the table. Not because someone else told me that I had to do it but because I had certain patterns of behaviors that were reoccurring in my life and I wanted to understand why. I had many revelations during this relationship. One of them being the revelation of the truth in the saying that, "the first time it's his fault. The second time it is your fault."
I realized that I am the one that picks women who think that it is their God given right to lie and cheat. I got very, very clear about the fact that I cannot control someone else's behavior nor am I responsible for their behavior. And no-one else is responsible for my behavior. I am not claiming that I was perfect and my lover was not. We both participated in this dysfunctional, abusive, mess. We both did our share of abusing. Anyone on a strong spiritual path knows that water always seeks its' own level. We both were on the same level or we would not have been together. The work we did together was very spiritual. It was the dark side of my spiritual journey but until one has the courage to embrace the dark side, they cannot create truly deep down to the bone transformation in their life. I was not seeking a superficial change. I did not want to simply go through the motions. I was not seeking to please someone else. I was not concerned with being "accepted" by society. I wanted to know the truth in the very core of my being.
This is where I cannot really get into all the details because they are too intimate. Details that someone looking through the window into someone else's relationship cannot possibly grasp. Suffice to say thatI completely transformed how I express my anger because of this experience. In the fifteen years since I achieved this transformation, I have raised my voice one time while angry. Even then, I did not yell the way I did when I was younger. I raised my voice so that I was louder than my sister who was yelling at me. That was after months of her constantly attacking me. Instead of fighting with her, as I would have done when I was younger, I ignored her as much as I possibly could or I would pray aloud in the hopes that it would get her to stop her own dysfunctional behavior. I did not try to point out her behavior to her or argue with her. One of the things that I have learned is that I am not responsible for other people's dysfunctional behavior. If they give themselves permission to act like a jerk, I do not have to follow them there. I can be, just the witness. Most of the "gossips" cannot say the same about their own behavior. I am not claiming that I never get stressed out, frustrated, irritated or angry. What I am claiming is that I handle it in a completely different way than I did when I was younger. And because I no longer suffer under the illusion that I have the right to control someone else's behavior or that their attitudes, opinions and beliefs have anything to do with me, I don't get angry very often.
Other lessons that I learned from that experience was how to set boundaries. I sometimes slip a little with this but if I make a mistake, I correct it quickly. If it had not been for this relationship, I would not have learned that it is my responsibility to say no to abuse. I would have never found the courage to say no to a boss who exploits and abuses their employees. I certainly would not have had the fortitude to handle the abuse they dished out, without ever losing my temper, while they were trying to force me to accept the status quote. I would not have had the knowledge or courage to say no to any oppressive social group.
I had a group that tried to stick their noses into my business shortly after this relationship ended. They wanted to tell me about my life and tell me how I should live it rather than having the courtesy or respect to try to find out what my reality was. If they had had enough respect for me to listen to my reality, the community would have known fifteen years ago that I had already accomplished the transformation they "claim" that they wanted me to make. My belief is that if you are trying to "interfere" with someone else's life and you cannot look that person in the eyes and be completely honest about what you believe, it is probably because you are interfering where you do not belong. Moreover, you know you do not belong there or you would be able to be honest about what your thinking.
For a social group to oppress someone on the very biased perspective of one person is an act of oppression in itself. If you do not think so try going against the grain and get a sample of how people act when they think no one will pay any attention to what you say or think. Peer pressure is one of the most effective ways of forcing someone to "conform." The majority of people will give up trying to express their personal truth and take the "cure" do what they need to do to be accepted by the majority rather than endure the awful behavior exhibited by those who think that they are the "Gods" of this world.
I on the other hand did this work myself and I will be damned if someone else is going to get credit for it. If you think the "group" cannot be wrong, you had better think about the long record the group has of being wrong. Just off the top of my head, I can name a few examples. At one time, the "group" thought the world was flat. Anyone who tried to say otherwise ran the risk of being put to death. The crusades were based on large groups of people thinking that they were the only ones who could be right. They were the only ones who could be the chosen people of God. Most wars are based on large groups of people thinking that they are the only ones' chosen by God. That they are in the right therefore, their "bad" behavior is justified. Large groups of people believed that the Indians were just savages, barely more than animals and therefore we were justified in stealing this land from them. The same mentality allowed people to enslave black people. The Bible was used to justify both of those attitudes. Again, that kind of mentality allowed Hitler to try to exterminate the Jews. That kind of mentality gives people the idea that they have a right to abuse and discriminate against gays.
Please do not try to preach the Bible to me. I have spent my entire life dealing with people who act as if I could not have possibly heard about the Bible and they are going to be the one to personally introduce me to it! I understand enough about the Bible to understand that people who try to claim that the Bible justifies their own dysfunctional, abusive behavior are picking out the dysfunctional attitude of an apostle to follow because his dysfunction makes them feel justified to hold onto their own dysfunctional attitude. They believe that this justifies their refusal to work on overcoming their own fear of and feelings of discomfort for being around someone they think is very different from themselves.
These people are not following what Jesus tried to teach. He did not say to love thy neighbor but hate the gays, or blacks or Indians or Jews or whatever. Jesus said to "Judge not least ye shall be judged and he said, "Judgment is mine thus saith the Lord." He did not say but it is okay to judge and discriminate against this group or that group or the other group, or this person, that person, or the other person. If Jesus were alive today he would probably say, "When good people give themselves permission to behave badly, evil thrives." Another way that he might say it would be, "When good people feel their bad behavior is justified, abuse thrives."
Being condescending, rude or disrespectful to someone that you feel is not worthy of being in your social circle is abusive behavior. This is a socially accepted abuse. No one thinks about addressing this abuse. Moreover, it is an abuse that is so prevalent that I suspect that everyone breathing air today has practiced it at some point in his or her life.
It is a good thing to educate about abuse. But be very careful that in your zeal to rescue victims that you do not become an abuser yourself. Ultimately it all boils down to one thing. We each must make the decision that: I am not going to act out in an abusive way to anyone, for any reason. After all, isn't that really what Jesus was trying to teach when he said to turn the other cheek? Is that not what he was doing when he healed the soldiers’ ear?
As M. K. Gandhi said,
"Be the change you wish to see in the world."
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